Love at first thought

I count myself lucky because once, for a brief moment, I experienced love at first sight. Sure something that could be called by the same name happens all the time with shoes, jackets, puppies, but I also experienced the real deal, with another human. I wish I could recall the feelings with the same intensity as in that instant, but over five years later I still remember how it felt. It can't be explained, perhaps unless you are a poet, but I will just say a few words to paint the picture. The first and most memorable part is the slowing of time, you have days', weeks' worth of thoughts in an instant. And in that instant there is a terrible and awesome recognition, you make eye contact and you know without a doubt that for just one second you and another human being are completely engrossed with the same thought. It is a very intimate moment, over before you know it, but you never forget.

None of my meaningful romantic relationships have begun with such a poignant moment. Real relationships are founded on, well, reality. But what about unreal relationships? Those that happen in our minds, and often not even there. I have had so many such relationships that have been no less significant to me because they never actually existed. I puzzled why as a heterosexual woman I have had so many intense, high-school puppy-love intoxicating intense crushes on other women. Then, just yesterday, an epiphany. I was never in love with those women, never would pursue a real romance with them but what felt to me the same as romantic arousal was in fact always admiration. Not the kind of admiration we all have for intelligent, hard-working, moral and respectable people. An admiration that stems from a desire to be like that person, take on their most powerful traits, mold aspects of myself in their likeness. In fact I could never have exactly the same feelings for any male because as a woman I feel there is an accepted balance of power in that exchange, I feel I can exert power on that person and maintain the balance between my will and my infatuation. The emotions brought on by my crushes on women in contrast feel as though there is no balance of power, my admiration for them overrides the natural urge to compete with them. It's not easy for an independent-minded, stubborn person such as myself to submit to such emotions, but the vulnerability is compelling, like when actually in love. In the end it is self-love, infatuation with an image of what I could be that translates into the same symptoms of romantic love. It would be interesting to ponder the origins of this psychology, is it conditioned? Is it genetically-founded some how? What benefits would social animals like humans gain by associating admiration and self-improvement with the addictive endorphin-rush of lust? Perhaps there's something there. Or maybe it's just me.

 

Problem Solving

I had my first emotional breakdown since graduation today.  It was disheartening, not because I was not aware that I am emotional but because I cried for about 3 hours before considering the possibility that a solution could be had.  I am, however, proud that I did come to a suitable solution.  That is the bright side.  My most intense wish at this point in my life is that I might learn to treat my personal life like I do my professional life.   I do not cry at work.  I do not cry when people say thoguhtless things, I do not cry when my original plans fall through, I do not cry when my boss tells me that I needed to already have done something yesterday that I never heard about before.  But when any of these things happen in my personal life I cry like a little girl.  Once upon a time I had a legitimate excuse: I WAS a little girl, and though I often still say that I am I know I am not.  Today I realized I don't want to excuse myself as being a little girl.  I wonder if despite my efforts and my perception my co-workers see me as emotional and fragile as I know I am when I'm alone.  God forbid.
Maybe if I give myself a job...I can live my personal life as if it was work.  Is that wrong?  Am I too dependent on artificially imposed guidelines? Probably.  Still, I could pay myself in shoes and fancy glasses and knitting supplies and I bet I would make a model employee for...myself.  The bottom line is I'm not unstable; I just have a lot of respect for self-discipline and work ethic and no respect for my own sanity. 

Commencement

As a member of the graduating class of 2008, I have something to say to you "real world"...what now?  I just finished college with a B.S. in physics and if I have learned anything in the last four years it's that having that degree does not mean things are going to come easy.  But now I have a piece of paper that proves...well, it proves I am a masochist.  It also proves that I am intelligent, that I can use reason and logic, write a thesis, hold a job while taking care of homework, and most importantly that I can work my ass off.  Some of these, I hope, will be marketable skills.
So it is two days after graduation I find myself in my pijamas, watching TV on my couch, with no job, no responsibilities and no place to live come July 10th.  had I been in the same situation four years ago I would be pretty nervous.   Not so much now, though.  At least going through my undergraduate academic career I managed to learn how NOT to freak out.  In that time I have made friends, found ways to pay for college, had the best job ever, rented my first apartment, fallen in love, stayed in love and forgiven myself for a few of my self-diagnosed shortcomings.  Not bad if I say so myself.
I say "what now?" not only because I am still figuring some things out but also because I know I can handle whatever the real world decides to throw at me.  To the real world, I have one more thing to say to you: go ahead, make my day.

About Me

Name: Veronica
Birthday: July 4th
Birthplace: Argentina
Location: Santa Cruz, CA; soon to be San Francisco, CA
Education: B.S. Physics, University of California at Santa Cruz, will begin MBA in Marketing at Golden Gate University
Marital Status: happily living together
Hobbies: computer art, knitting, painting, taking bad photos, cooking, gardening (badly)
Likes: food, being warm, sweaters, cartoons, superheroes, making things with my own hands, colored glass, exploring new places, fish tanks, science fiction
Dislikes: being cold, stupid people, having a boring dead-end job, uncomfortable shoes, sand

Favorites
music: trance, electronica, Queen, Black Eyed Peas, British pop
movies: Shrek, The Fifth Element, a ton of science fiction too bad to name
books: Ray Bradbury short stories
colors: purple, black, green, silver